Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
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Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
yeah not falling for this one
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.