I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
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Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
How to open a letter:
1. Carefully remove seal
2. Slide your finger unde–okay the seal is back GET THAT SEAL OUT OF THE ROOM NO SEALS ALLO
This hospital has everything
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle