I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
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“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Ironic
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*