she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
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CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.