Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
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I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
7-year-old: I won breakfast!
Me: You can’t win breakfast. You just eat it.
7: Said the loser.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.