The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
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Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
[writes THIS IS A ROBBERY on a deposit slip, slides it to teller]
[teller writes something, slides it back]
NO THIS IS A DEPOSIT SLIP
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
Meanwhile in Portland…
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?