Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
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The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die