Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
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I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.