[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
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mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
A completely valid reaction tbh
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
PMS: You okay?
ME: Terrific.
PMS: I may have pushed too far this month.
ME: [in a bathtub full of chocolate pudding] No, we’re cool.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.