Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
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Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Kid: We never have anything good to eat!
Me: Go shake your car seat out.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.