“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
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Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.