Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
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*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?