5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
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i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.