Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
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If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
If I ask “Where’s the remote?” & you say “Next to the TV,” you get a punch in the throat becuz THAT’S THE OPPOSITE OF WHY WE HAVE A REMOTE.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
wish me luck lads
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair