My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
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7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Genius idea!!
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)