[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
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Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Hitlers gonna hitl
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.