I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
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Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked