Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!
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The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
This kid is a star!
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.