Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
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Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.