a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
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Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”