Cartman: Respect my
a a
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Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
“you changed” bro i was 15
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
God, I love Scotland
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.