My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
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me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Whoβs a bad hand!?
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Whereβs your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
May just keep repeating the phrase βYOU DO YOUβ to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves mβoh he’s just hungry nvm
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
If I text you “π€π₯Ίππ€¦ββοΈππ₯π€¨πππππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈπππππ€πππβ€οΈππ€¨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that itβs impossible to pronounce if youβre choking.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Itβs fascinating how an βouchieβ a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change