Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
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*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin