Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
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Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.