At least he brought enough for everyone
You Might Also Like
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
The Others (2001)
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.