TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them馃槏
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I WON鈥橳 TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o鈥檚 sweatshirt after school.
Can鈥檛 tell whether she鈥檚 starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you鈥檙e alive
Me: can I just text them
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What鈥檚 the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you鈥檙e cooking too loud and I can鈥檛 hear the TV
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn鈥檛 too fond of leaf blowers either. And don鈥檛 even get Nature started on car alarms.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”