Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
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north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)