relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
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Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.