We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
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My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
*looks at you in batman voice*
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.