this is the most humiliating day of my life
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Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
they should invent a hydrating liquor
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.