When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
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Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
2 incomes are better than 1 fellas. Make sure your girl got 2 jobs
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.