oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
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My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…