Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
You Might Also Like
🐕🍷
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
sugar glider wrangler
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Google reviews are always so mixed..