my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
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I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*