If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
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No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.