Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
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omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out