You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
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I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
This meal prepping shit easy
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.