[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
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I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
socratic questions
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.