Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
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My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.