You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
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EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
“No way.” -Jose
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!