Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
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I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
*serious situation*
My brain:
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down