[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
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Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Friends that check up on you >
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
That was easy.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”