“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
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ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.