Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
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[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.