[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
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Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
me: i really like miley cyrus’s new cd
my kids: what’s a cd?
me: *dies of old age*
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.