[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
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Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait