My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
You Might Also Like
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Steam Forums
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Come back with a warrant
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.