It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
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To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super