[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
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(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”