[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
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“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Ok pregnant ladies. Today’s the day!
#LaborDay
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once